So here I am, starting over at 32.
What’s weird is that I kind of always knew this would be the case. It’s not like I’m alone. Lately, in fact, I’ve experienced more true companionship than I’ve known in years. I guess I just always knew in my heart that as much as I wanted a happy ending, they don’t come cheap. Happiness also can’t be manufactured. It isn’t something that you decide you want and then force into existence. Yes, it’s somewhat controllable – I can decide, for instance, that today will be a good day, and try to remain positive and look at the bright side as much as possible – but when you’re talking about happiness in a relationship, you can’t take something that’s broken and still end up with sunshine and roses at the end. At best, I think you can end up with contented silences. Towards the end of my relationship with The Man, my silences were held at the bottom of my nightly bottle of red. Content was gradually merging with madness.
But that’s neither here nor there. I am out of that frying pan, and back into the fire. As a phoenix, the flames are where I belong, anyway. Right now I’m cooking up a new me. What will rise from my ashes? Will I be a writer? Will I be debt-free? Will I be more in control of my day-to-day existence? I don’t know, and for the moment I’m OK with that.
Things have changed substantially over the last couple of months. That’s part of why I’ve been staying away from Compass & Quill. I just haven’t had the ability to remain as fluid in writing as I’ve felt in person. The moment I start to write a new entry about how I’m feeling, I start feeling something new. My heart keeps expanding. I’m full of hope, and not just a little fear. But it’s a good fear. I feel like I’m on the brink of greatness, and I finally feel like I have it in me to meet the challenge with a steel spine.
I’ve been making changes in the way I talk to people, and the way I ask for things. There’s a new man in my life who’s had considerable effect on me in that realm, in fact. I’m learning not to dance around my wants and needs. For the first time, I’m finding that when I’m honest with others about what’s going on in my head, I start to understand myself more, too. I’m seeing how frightened I’ve been of everyone – including myself – for so long. It makes a great deal of difference in how I envision my work life growing and changing, and also in the relationship realm. It’s not safe to keep all of your wishes and wants to yourself, nor is it sane to constantly try to reign in your base reactions to the actions of others. True, it’s good to be tactful, but what good can it possibly do you to keep mum when other people are constantly disappointing you, or scaring you, or breaking you bit by bit? All you do is put up walls and box yourself in. It’s better to deal with the threat of tiny disagreements up front than to let everything build up to the point where it’s easier to end the affair than it is to sort through the years of built up issues.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know. Up ’til now, I’ve had a lot of trouble building my personal brand. I didn’t understand what the problem was, of course, but basically I’ve been hiding from myself and others for so long that I didn’t know how to write my story on a public page. This was the only place that I felt slightly comfortable, and even here I’ve just been half of the woman I’ve always wanted to be. It’s time to start figuring myself out, and creating a fuller image of myself in plain view. It’s time to be honest. It’s time to flip the switch, and turn on with the light I know I have. I’ve got a lot to offer. No more fear. No more doubt. Just magick. Just me.