I’m riding the edge of delirium. Over the course of the last five days, I’ve slept maybe 15 hours total. Everything is changing, and I’m feeling simultaneously ecstatic to be swept out to sea, and not just a little terrified to be losing sight of the shore.
This life change is unprecedented, and I’m amazed to find that against the seeming odds, I appear to be standing tall again at last. For so long, I was wilting in the shadows. But then all of a sudden there was this unexpected twinkle of sunlight. It was faint, but it was there. And I could feel myself starting to bloom.
For awhile I fought the urge; I tried to tamp down the need to glow, to become. I know it sounds strange, but I didn’t want to be selfish. I wanted to do what was expected of me; I wanted to be a good (dead) flower. So I ignored it and turned my face away. But each time the sun appeared, it felt a little stronger. It felt so good to feel alive, and before I knew it, I couldn’t stop.
Yesterday I glanced in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize myself. It’s in the eyes, you see. I’m afraid everyone will notice, and they can’t be allowed to – not yet. Because now I’m shining. I’m full to the brim with light, and bursting over. I’m genuinely happy for the first time in so very long, just at the moment when I’m supposed to be sadder than I’ve ever been. It’s a cruel joke, I guess. But not on me. Not this time.
The novelist and playwright James Baldwin said, “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word “love” here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace – not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”
It isn’t all sunshine and roses, of course. There are definite hardships ahead. This might end up being as emotionally trying as my last big hurdle in 2005. But the more the sunlight hit me, the more I bloomed, the stronger I grew, the further my mask stretched. It couldn’t help but fall off. I don’t know how I even imagined for a moment that I could prevent it. And now that I’m dangling in this uncertainty, I find I’m feeling at ease with the idea of my impending fall. Could he have been right – might it be because I’m actually on the verge of flight?
Weirdly, I think that the insomnia thing and the crazy emotional roller coaster my breakup has put me on might be mostly unrelated. I think I’m having trouble falling asleep because I’ve been so, well, giddy. Someone told me today not to worry about falling asleep – I wouldn’t miss anything. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the real reason I’m still blinking my way through this blog post. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m frightened that I can’t possibly feel this happy in the morning.
But I’ll leave this page, and plug in my headphones, and try to drift away for awhile. No pressure. Just me and my mix tape.
Trackbacks & Pingbacks
- Pressure | The Magic Black Book
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Basically Beyond Basic
- Time | The Bliss of Reality
- Umbrellas | Crazy Art
- Introspection | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
- Concentration aka eating alone 🙂 | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
- Ilya Fostiy. Is There a God? | The Bliss of Reality
- Smile! | Crazy Art
- My List-less Life | DCMontreal: Blowing the Whistle on Society
- My List-less Life | DCMontreal: Blowing the Whistle on Society
- The Farm | My Little Avalon
- The Daily Prompt & Eric’s Aria -Part 1 (short story) | The Jittery Goat
- Procrastination Insults My Intelligence | I’m a Writer, Yes I Am
- The biggest appointment | MC’s Whispers
- Under Pressure | A mom’s blog
- pressure | yi-ching lin photography
- DP Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Sabethville
- Cops | Views Splash!
- the pressure is the same | y
- Men | Hope* the happy hugger
- One Crazy Mom » The Heat Is On
- Student hurrying to catch the bus (Daily Prompt: “The Heat Is On, Show Us Pressure”) | Photo0pal Photography
- I’ll start tomorrow. | Attempted Human Relations and Self
- DAILY PROMPT: Pressure | cockatooscreeching
- Life Confusions
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On- Perspective of Medical Student | Journeyman
- Daily Prompt: Pressure | Captured By Kylie Photography
- The heat is on – turned down to low! | Sue’s Trifles
- Pressure | The scribbles in the margin
- Pressure Points and Implosions | ALIEN AURA’S BlOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
- 400 Pound Burden | Rima Hassan
- Live and Don’t Learn | Bright Tuesday
- The Luck of the Irish | In Harmony
- Daily Prompt: The Heat Is On |
- Today’s To-Do List for the workplace: Don’t do the following if you want to survive « psychologistmimi
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On-Pressure | A Day In The Life
- I’m blessed with a system on revolt. | thoughtsofrkh
- In Preperation | Flowers and Breezes
- The Heat Is On | Step Into My Head
- Planners vs. Procratinators | Musings | WANGSGARD
- Pressure | Active Army Wife
- 276. Under Pressure | Barely Right of Center
- Pressure | A picture is worth 1000 words
- Pressure | The Land Slide Photography
- WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH ORDER PIZZA | SERENDIPITY
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Raspberry’s Daydreams
- the heat is on | klstar2000
- Feeling the Pressure | L5GN
- Deadlines and Commitments: What to Leave In, What to Leave Out (B. Seger) | meanderedwanderings
- Under Pressure | Lisa’s Kansa Muse
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
- Rock My World | The Library Lady and Rosie Bear
- Daily Prompt: Pressure (Nonet) | Morrighan’s Muse
- THE DAILY PROMPT: PRESSURE | Francine In Retirement
- Blogging Brings Stuff
- Friday Night Letdown | Losing It
- Daily Prompt… So what IS Pressure? | Eden’s Effort
- Deadlines | Life is great
- Daily Prompt: My reliable mate | one hundred thousand beats per day
- Daring to Fear | snapshotsofawanderingheart
- The Heat is On | Knowledge Addiction
- Pet Peeves and Other Pressure Points | The Zombies Ate My Brains
- The Illusive FEAR of Getting Old | Musings | WANGSGARD
- Deadlines… | Kate Murray
- Daily Prompt: The Heat Is On « Mama Bear Musings
- Live and Let Live. | melissuhhsmiles
- Procrastination | Real Momma Ramblings
- Procrastination is my Super Power | Macey Mac
- Under Pressure: Fight or Flight | Edward Cares
- Functional Procrastination… | …Properly Ridiculous…
- Pressure and Deadlines | Cass’s Useless Opinions
- Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | LoveAndDeathAndEverythingInBetween’s Blog
- Procrastinators Unite… Tomorrow | Green Embers
- P-P-P-Pressure | The Bohemian Rock Star’s “Untitled Project”
- Daily Prompt: Being Under Pressure! | All Things Cute and Beautiful
- Pressure relief valve. | Trucker Turning Write
- Heat: Daily Post | Destino
- Pressure, Come When I Need You! | Read Me
- Neverland | La Gatita Oscura
- Yeah, I will (not) be there in a minute. | meg lago
- Hungry for it | Fictionalism
- Crimson Skin | anonim0us
- Eiffel Mosaic | Antoinetta’s Mosaics
- Daily Prompt: Last minute costuming, the pressure is on | @ The West Gate
- Daily Prompt: The Heat | That Montreal Girl
- Pressure | Dhikrcave
- Daily Prompt: Pressure..? | Lady K’s Lounge
- Betty, Please! | 365 Days of Thank You
- Workers and Slackers | Overcoming Bloglessness
- Strive to thrive | Muddy River Muse
6 Comments Add yours
You ever get asked which superpower you would want? Flight, strength, or invisibility? Falling is only second to flying on the list of fears of people who would choose invisibility. I used to have nightmares about falling into the sky. No earth, no space, just falling. I only recently realized that I wasn’t falling at all. It was my perspective that made a scream rather than the joy of release. I think the previous generation taught us love as a slavery due to their parents chains. The real thing is a freedom, and freedom is terrific in the oldest sense.
“I think the previous generation taught us love as a slavery due to their parents chains.” I’m inclined to agree. Last night I had a talk with my father (with whom I’m quite close, despite our sometimes extreme differences). We share a weirdly strong emotional bond, and he called because he felt a disturbance in the Force.
I told him about my breakup, but not about my current state of glow. Some things are not for sharing with dads. He took the info given and told me that it’s always best to stay if there’s no abuse involved. He meant well, but I see now that he pictures life as a series of obligations and tethers.
For me, life is a series of open roads, ripe with potential adventures. They’re best when traversed with a companion (I mean, come on – even Dr. Who thinks so), but sometimes you need to take different roads to allow yourself to feel the fullness and wonder – the freedom – of the journey.
BTW, the best companions? Bards, all the way.