The Terror of Knowing

I’m riding the edge of delirium. Over the course of the last five days, I’ve slept maybe 15 hours total. Everything is changing, and I’m feeling simultaneously ecstatic to be swept out to sea, and not just a little terrified to be losing sight of the shore.

This life change is unprecedented, and I’m amazed to find that against the seeming odds, I appear to be standing tall again at last. For so long, I was wilting in the shadows. But then all of a sudden there was this unexpected twinkle of sunlight. It was faint, but it was there. And I could feel myself starting to bloom.

For awhile I fought the urge; I tried to tamp down the need to glow, to become. I know it sounds strange, but I didn’t want to be selfish. I wanted to do what was expected of me; I wanted to be a good (dead) flower. So I ignored it and turned my face away. But each time the sun appeared, it felt a little stronger. It felt so good to feel alive, and before I knew it, I couldn’t stop.

Yesterday I glanced in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize myself. It’s in the eyes, you see. I’m afraid everyone will notice, and they can’t be allowed to – not yet. Because now I’m shining. I’m full to the brim with light, and bursting over. I’m genuinely happy for the first time in so very long, just at the moment when I’m supposed to be sadder than I’ve ever been. It’s a cruel joke, I guess. But not on me. Not this time.

The novelist and playwright James Baldwin said, “Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. I use the word “love” here not merely in the personal sense but as a state of being, or a state of grace – not in the infantile American sense of being made happy but in the tough and universal sense of quest and daring and growth.”

It isn’t all sunshine and roses, of course. There are definite hardships ahead. This might end up being as emotionally trying as my last big hurdle in 2005. But the more the sunlight hit me, the more I bloomed, the stronger I grew, the further my mask stretched. It couldn’t help but fall off. I don’t know how I even imagined for a moment that I could prevent it. And now that I’m dangling in this uncertainty, I find I’m feeling at ease with the idea of my impending fall. Could he have been right – might it be because I’m actually on the verge of flight?

Weirdly, I think that the insomnia thing and the crazy emotional roller coaster my breakup has put me on might be mostly unrelated. I think I’m having trouble falling asleep because I’ve been so, well, giddy. Someone told me today not to worry about falling asleep – I wouldn’t miss anything. I’m starting to wonder if that’s the real reason I’m still blinking my way through this blog post. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m frightened that I can’t possibly feel this happy in the morning.

But I’ll leave this page, and plug in my headphones, and try to drift away for awhile. No pressure. Just me and my mix tape.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Pressure | The Magic Black Book
  2. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Basically Beyond Basic
  3. Time | The Bliss of Reality
  4. Umbrellas | Crazy Art
  5. Introspection | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  6. Concentration aka eating alone 🙂 | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
  7. Ilya Fostiy. Is There a God? | The Bliss of Reality
  8. Smile! | Crazy Art
  9. My List-less Life | DCMontreal: Blowing the Whistle on Society
  10. My List-less Life | DCMontreal: Blowing the Whistle on Society
  11. The Farm | My Little Avalon
  12. The Daily Prompt & Eric’s Aria -Part 1 (short story) | The Jittery Goat
  13. Procrastination Insults My Intelligence | I’m a Writer, Yes I Am
  14. The biggest appointment | MC’s Whispers
  15. Under Pressure | A mom’s blog
  16. pressure | yi-ching lin photography
  17. DP Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Sabethville
  18. Cops | Views Splash!
  19. the pressure is the same | y
  20. Men | Hope* the happy hugger
  21. One Crazy Mom » The Heat Is On
  22. Student hurrying to catch the bus (Daily Prompt: “The Heat Is On, Show Us Pressure”) | Photo0pal Photography
  23. I’ll start tomorrow. | Attempted Human Relations and Self
  24. DAILY PROMPT: Pressure | cockatooscreeching
  25. Life Confusions
  26. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On- Perspective of Medical Student | Journeyman
  27. Daily Prompt: Pressure | Captured By Kylie Photography
  28. The heat is on – turned down to low! | Sue’s Trifles
  29. Pressure | The scribbles in the margin
  30. Pressure Points and Implosions | ALIEN AURA’S BlOG: IT’LL BLOW YOUR MIND!
  31. 400 Pound Burden | Rima Hassan
  32. Live and Don’t Learn | Bright Tuesday
  33. The Luck of the Irish | In Harmony
  34. Daily Prompt: The Heat Is On |
  35. Today’s To-Do List for the workplace: Don’t do the following if you want to survive « psychologistmimi
  36. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On-Pressure | A Day In The Life
  37. I’m blessed with a system on revolt. | thoughtsofrkh
  38. In Preperation | Flowers and Breezes
  39. The Heat Is On | Step Into My Head
  40. Planners vs. Procratinators | Musings | WANGSGARD
  41. Pressure | Active Army Wife
  42. 276. Under Pressure | Barely Right of Center
  43. Pressure | A picture is worth 1000 words
  44. Pressure | The Land Slide Photography
  45. WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH ORDER PIZZA | SERENDIPITY
  46. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Raspberry’s Daydreams
  47. the heat is on | klstar2000
  48. Feeling the Pressure | L5GN
  49. Deadlines and Commitments: What to Leave In, What to Leave Out (B. Seger) | meanderedwanderings
  50. Under Pressure | Lisa’s Kansa Muse
  51. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss
  52. Rock My World | The Library Lady and Rosie Bear
  53. Daily Prompt: Pressure (Nonet) | Morrighan’s Muse
  54. THE DAILY PROMPT: PRESSURE | Francine In Retirement
  55. Blogging Brings Stuff
  56. Friday Night Letdown | Losing It
  57. Daily Prompt… So what IS Pressure? | Eden’s Effort
  58. Deadlines | Life is great
  59. Daily Prompt: My reliable mate | one hundred thousand beats per day
  60. Daring to Fear | snapshotsofawanderingheart
  61. The Heat is On | Knowledge Addiction
  62. Pet Peeves and Other Pressure Points | The Zombies Ate My Brains
  63. The Illusive FEAR of Getting Old | Musings | WANGSGARD
  64. Deadlines… | Kate Murray
  65. Daily Prompt: The Heat Is On « Mama Bear Musings
  66. Live and Let Live. | melissuhhsmiles
  67. Procrastination | Real Momma Ramblings
  68. Procrastination is my Super Power | Macey Mac
  69. Under Pressure: Fight or Flight | Edward Cares
  70. Functional Procrastination… | …Properly Ridiculous…
  71. Pressure and Deadlines | Cass’s Useless Opinions
  72. Daily Prompt: The Heat is On | LoveAndDeathAndEverythingInBetween’s Blog
  73. Procrastinators Unite… Tomorrow | Green Embers
  74. P-P-P-Pressure | The Bohemian Rock Star’s “Untitled Project”
  75. Daily Prompt: Being Under Pressure! | All Things Cute and Beautiful
  76. Pressure relief valve. | Trucker Turning Write
  77. Heat: Daily Post | Destino
  78. Pressure, Come When I Need You! | Read Me
  79. Neverland | La Gatita Oscura
  80. Yeah, I will (not) be there in a minute. | meg lago
  81. Hungry for it | Fictionalism
  82. Crimson Skin | anonim0us
  83. Eiffel Mosaic | Antoinetta’s Mosaics
  84. Daily Prompt: Last minute costuming, the pressure is on | @ The West Gate
  85. Daily Prompt: The Heat | That Montreal Girl
  86. Pressure | Dhikrcave
  87. Daily Prompt: Pressure..? | Lady K’s Lounge
  88. Betty, Please! | 365 Days of Thank You
  89. Workers and Slackers | Overcoming Bloglessness
  90. Strive to thrive | Muddy River Muse

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “The Terror of Knowing

  1. Doug Raymond says:

    You ever get asked which superpower you would want? Flight, strength, or invisibility? Falling is only second to flying on the list of fears of people who would choose invisibility. I used to have nightmares about falling into the sky. No earth, no space, just falling. I only recently realized that I wasn’t falling at all. It was my perspective that made a scream rather than the joy of release. I think the previous generation taught us love as a slavery due to their parents chains. The real thing is a freedom, and freedom is terrific in the oldest sense.

    • compassandquill says:

      “I think the previous generation taught us love as a slavery due to their parents chains.” I’m inclined to agree. Last night I had a talk with my father (with whom I’m quite close, despite our sometimes extreme differences). We share a weirdly strong emotional bond, and he called because he felt a disturbance in the Force.

      I told him about my breakup, but not about my current state of glow. Some things are not for sharing with dads. He took the info given and told me that it’s always best to stay if there’s no abuse involved. He meant well, but I see now that he pictures life as a series of obligations and tethers.

      For me, life is a series of open roads, ripe with potential adventures. They’re best when traversed with a companion (I mean, come on – even Dr. Who thinks so), but sometimes you need to take different roads to allow yourself to feel the fullness and wonder – the freedom – of the journey.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s