Twelve years ago is a long time. I can still remember what I was wearing that morning – my green 82nd Airborne jacket and a polyester blend tank top with a black back and a camouflage & rose-printed front. I loved that t-shirt, but it was ruined after that day. Like many kids on the Tulane campus, and at other college campuses across the nation, I donated blood for the first time that day and got a sticker for donating. I accidentally washed that tank top with the sticker on it, and forever after, its remnants clung to the fabric as a reminder of the day’s events.

What I remember most, though, is the panic that hit me. I needed to get home. Even though people were freaking out about getting on airplanes, I booked a flight back to NC for the next weekend. Once I got there, I hugged my parents about a million times, called all of my friends, and went to a birthday party where I was taken advantage of in the worst of ways. Relationships were forever ruined. For me, 9/11 represents a complete loss of innocence, and the beginning of my inability to fully trust men again.

But that’s then, and this is now. Now I’m on this quest to lose physical weight, when much of the weight I’m carrying is no doubt that of emotional baggage. I hope that, besides being a place where I chronicle my daily struggles, using C&Q as a place to finally share some of my deepest secrets is going to help untangle the knots in my brain, and let go of some of the bullshit that doesn’t need to be there anymore.

I don’t know how to transition from telling you guys about violation to writing about self-validation, but let’s just call this the transition and move on, shall we?

Today I weighed in at 158.7 lbs. Last night was kind of crazy, in that I managed to run two miles just before heading to a Bikram class. It was an intense time, but I knew I needed to fit it in somehow. However, today I think I’m going to take it easy. I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last few nights, and also haven’t seen very much of The Man. I’m going to go home, have a nice dinner, and hang out with him, then get back to Bikram in the morning.

My first “pre-weight loss” photo shoot with my friend Dave is on Saturday, and I’m excited about that. I’m just putting two-and-two together, but his shoots are always a little risque but sensitive towards his subjects’ comfort levels. It’s really stressful for me to lose layers of clothing in front of his camera, but I trust him. It’s hard to trust him, just because he’s a man, but I think pushing my limits has been helpful. I’m nervous, but the shots are going to be awesome, I know. Here’s one of the shots from the last shoot – it’s hard to believe this is me!