I’m afraid that when I’m on my way out of the world, hopefully hanging out in my comfy armchair at my little cabin beside a pond/lake/ocean/other suitable body of water, I’ll regret wasting too much time on boring, meaningless things. Procrastination seems to be a way of life for me. TV, junk food, and worrying over complete bullshit seem to be my drugs of choice. I hate the cycle I’ve made for myself, but am having a great deal of trouble breaking it. Every day feels like starting over, with failure pretty soon into my morning in some way or other. But I keep plugging along. I keep trying to sort out my frazzled brain and hold on to the things that matter. I’m afraid that I’ll be living like this until I die, and I won’t have accomplished very much.
One of my biggest issues at the moment, of course, is my relationship. It’s troubled, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been trying, but lately even the best days seem to be just OK. I’m not sure if I can be happy with that forever, but I owe it to both of us to hang in there and give it my best. I’ve read that you can’t be happy within a relationship until you’re happy with yourself, so most of my effort now is going to being happy, treating myself right, feeling alive and healthy in my own right, and keeping an eye on how these changes end up affecting how The Man and I get along.
So this weekend I did everything that I wanted to do. My coworkers and I all went out to the Pontchatoula Strawberry Festival on Saturday morning, and had a blast! We rode the rides, ate tons of fest food (2 fried strawberries, strawberry shortcake, a meat pie, a half dozen chargrilled oysters, a shot of strawberry moonshine, and a strawberry daiquiri for me), played some carnival games, and all in all really enjoyed the hell out of the day. The best part of the day was riding this ride called The Chainsaw with my coworker Nathan. Each of the ‘cars’ on the ride is its own contained cage, and they flip upside down if the weight distribution in the car is right. Together, we weighed just enough that once the ride got going, our car just flipped continually. It was super scary, but also super fun. I’ve always loved carnivals and carnival rides, but I don’t know if I understood before yesterday just how much I dig them. Not sure if I get enough serious adrenaline in my life – might have to come up with a solution for that one. The rest of the day was pretty calm, though enjoyable. I even got to spend some time checking out the town’s antique shops, and though I didn’t come home with a pallet of strawberries, as intended, I did come home with a massive sunburn. All my fault for thinking that a few hours in the sun couldn’t hurt. My shoulders are not forgiving me.
This morning I met up with my friend Caroline for a great brunch at Surrey’s, this cool little diner. After that we went shopping and got mani/pedis at our favorite nail place. It was so great getting to catch up with her – we used to be coworkers about five years ago, and though I moved on from that job, we ended up keeping in touch over the years and hanging out whenever I was in New Orleans. She’s one of my favorite people in the world, and has a very fresh perspective on life; just what I need right now.
Now I’m home, and The Man and I have had a good night in. We cooked dinner together, and are getting ready to cap off the night with Game of Thrones. I’m excited to see what’s going to happen to Arya, though of course now that I’ve said that, she probably won’t even be mentioned in this episode (argh). Which reminds me, did you guys see this article from Buzzfeed of Game of Thrones actors hanging out with each other in real life? It’s mind blowing, I tell you.
Anyway, I’m going to try to keep adding magic every day. Also, starting tomorrow, I’m going on a 30-day challenge – 30 days of gym/running & yoga every single day. I’ve also been meditating every night for the last five nights, and I’m feeling remarkably calmer than usual. Hoping that 30 days of working out, meditating, eating right and doing at least one thing that sparks my love for life per day will kickstart me into action and instill a new sense of energy and hope in me that I’m just not feeling right now. I want to have things sorted out sooner rather than later. Either I start over in love, or I start over. Either is a great choice, so I’m not scared, just ready to get to work.