I’m tired of not knowing who I am.
Will I ever feel at home here? Will I always be out of sorts, on the periphery, alone? It’s not that I’m not given the chance to be loved. That’s not it at all. People show me in myriad ways that I am cared for, that I have a place. But I still don’t fit. I can’t make myself fit. And days like today, I’m sick of trying to find myself.
I am unwell, and I don’t know how to fix what I can’t name. Today I think I’m a little more out of sorts than usual because I just went off of hormonal birth control, and my hormones are working at getting settled. Plus, I’m on another temporary medication that has low mood as a side effect. I am trying to remain steady in the face of these temporary blips, but I’m a weepy mess.
Last night, I went to a concert with my partner and a friend, and it was perfect, all except running into multiple of my partner’s friends who are all cool rock n’ roll types. I felt invisible and ultimately disposable. To me it felt like writing on the wall. If I can’t find a way to be part of his friend group, how will we last? But I don’t want to be like them, either. I’m 40. I don’t want to party like I did when I was 20. I want to buy a house and grow my own garden and do sunrise yoga and have children of my own. I don’t think that’s going to happen. But it’s a nice dream.
Is it so much to ask that I have friends of my own who live in the city where I live? Is it so much to ask that I not feel completely abandoned every fucking second that I’m not feeling trapped? I want to run away from all of this, but I also don’t want to leave my house. Other than endless therapy sessions, what am I going to do?
I’ll join a gym, and sign up for pottery classes. I’ll talk to the people that like me, in hopes that my mental defenses will lower long enough for me to like them back properly. I’ll leave my house. I’ll stop looking for ways to run away, and start finding ways to make staying less scary. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
What I’m really going to do is finish the homework assignment that’s due tonight, then go to bed at 6pm or so. I’m done with this day, and everyone in it. That includes myself.