Compass & Quill

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Nova

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I’m tired of not knowing who I am.

Will I ever feel at home here? Will I always be out of sorts, on the periphery, alone? It’s not that I’m not given the chance to be loved. That’s not it at all. People show me in myriad ways that I am cared for, that I have a place. But I still don’t fit. I can’t make myself fit. And days like today, I’m sick of trying to find myself.

I am unwell, and I don’t know how to fix what I can’t name. Today I think I’m a little more out of sorts than usual because I just went off of hormonal birth control, and my hormones are working at getting settled. Plus, I’m on another temporary medication that has low mood as a side effect. I am trying to remain steady in the face of these temporary blips, but I’m a weepy mess.

Last night, I went to a concert with my partner and a friend, and it was perfect, all except running into multiple of my partner’s friends who are all cool rock n’ roll types. I felt invisible and ultimately disposable. To me it felt like writing on the wall. If I can’t find a way to be part of his friend group, how will we last? But I don’t want to be like them, either. I’m 40. I don’t want to party like I did when I was 20. I want to buy a house and grow my own garden and do sunrise yoga and have children of my own. I don’t think that’s going to happen. But it’s a nice dream.

Is it so much to ask that I have friends of my own who live in the city where I live? Is it so much to ask that I not feel completely abandoned every fucking second that I’m not feeling trapped? I want to run away from all of this, but I also don’t want to leave my house. Other than endless therapy sessions, what am I going to do?

I’ll join a gym, and sign up for pottery classes. I’ll talk to the people that like me, in hopes that my mental defenses will lower long enough for me to like them back properly. I’ll leave my house. I’ll stop looking for ways to run away, and start finding ways to make staying less scary. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

What I’m really going to do is finish the homework assignment that’s due tonight, then go to bed at 6pm or so. I’m done with this day, and everyone in it. That includes myself.

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Hello,

I’m Nova

I have no “personal brand.” I’m not a girl boss, I’m not an influencer, and I don’t aspire to be powerful, inspiring, or rich. I probably can’t teach you anything, and there’s a good chance that there’s nothing at all of interest or use to you here. This is just where I come to talk about the random bits and pieces that make up my quiet life as a sober woman in her 40s. I’m engaged to the love of my life, have six (yes, SIX) indoor pets, and spend a lot of time gardening and hunting for thrift treasures. I also study classical voice (I’m a lyric coloratura soprano) and am deeply interested in all things spiritual and paranormal. Right now I’m trying to recover from career burnout and even out my personal energy, but my eventual goal is to become a medium and shamanic healer, using music to remind humans of the things that actually matter: connection, community, and loving all living things as though they were our own children. I may or may not talk about all of these things here (and sometimes all at once). Welcome!

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