I’m working a lot lately. My life is all work and sleep. I don’t even cook at home anymore. There’s a cafeteria at my day job, and I eat lunch there. If I stay late enough into the evening, there’s dinner, too. I’ve lost 15 lbs. this year already from just not having any time to drink a glass of wine or feed myself junk food. Haven’t even exercised. Just started eating salad at lunch, and don’t have the time to wait for Domino’s deliveries at night.
You might have noticed I’m not writing. For the most part, that’s due to work, but not all. I don’t really have the brain power for it right now. Of course I’m tired, but I’m also feeling set apart from other people (I wouldn’t call it “lonely” but I am alone more than not). I also feel like I need to just think and be right now, and soak up what I learn from that. Under all of this is me, still feeling hurt by my breakup. I’ve found that if I keep my mind busy, and avoid anything that reminds me of him, I’m generally pretty safe. I’m at the 6-month mark now, and in some ways it’s not as bad. In others, it’s worse. But that’s the game, I guess. You keep walking through the pain, and eventually the pain is just a little part of who you are, instead of the thing that used to threaten to stop you.
It’s annoying, because I’d like to be able to say that I didn’t care so much, didn’t think about him, didn’t wish I had some solution to the problems that made the relationship impossible. And barring that, of course, it would be great to magically feel ready to move on. I’d really love to be able to have a little romance in my life. I’m not getting any younger, and it’s been way too long since there was the hint of physicality in my dating life. But I’m not ready emotionally. So I’ll hang out with my cats awhile longer, I guess.
Luckily, that date that I went on a few weeks ago (the one that didn’t work out) had an unexpected result. I made a new friend. We’ve hung out a few times, and since he’s literally the only person that I’ve had a social engagement with outside of work in weeks, I feel like he’s a godsend. It’ll be sad to see him move on next month, but it’s always nice getting to know new people. Plus, we’ve been hanging out at my favorite cafe, so he’s helping me get to know the baristas more. I like that a lot.
I paid off a credit card today. Part of me is excited – it was the one with the highest APR. But then I remember that there are four more to go, and I think of how many more 80-hour weeks I’m going to have to work to make a serious dent in that amount, and it’s a crushing realization. But there’s nothing much that I can do. Just gotta keep walking. One foot in front of the other. Eventually we’ll get there. Eventually.