Tongue Tired

I’ve been out of words for awhile now. The last time I wrote here, it was my intention to start blogging with intensity over at my new site, and reserve this site for journal posts. As it turns out, I haven’t been able to write on either site. I’ve been curiously devoid of words. I’d say tongue tied, but that implies that you’re finding it difficult to release pent up words. I guess I’ll say tongue tired, instead. Just exhausted by the mere thought of dredging up words. Unable, unwilling.

Tomorrow marks my first full day off of work in months. That’s probably half of the reason I’m so blank. I’m not feeling physically tired (even when I work 36 hours straight, I don’t suffer from physical exhaustion anymore). However, I’m in a place now where my brain is chug, chug, chugging along for the entire time I’m at my job, but the moment that I leave, it just turns off. I go through the motions, but to be quite honest, it’s something of a half life. I see people going out to parties, couples walking hand-in-hand, artists showing their creations, and I’m jealous but instantly worn out just from imagining trying to fit any of it into my life.

I do have fun in my life. It’s not always a drag. When I’m at my job, I chat with coworkers, take pleasure in figuring out all of the strange complexities of event management, do all of the odd jobs at the front desk, get hotel guests to tell me all about their travel adventures. But as soon as I punch out, that girl is mostly gone. She shuts down, and the quiet part of me comes back, the part who wants nothing more than to listen to nerdcore, watch BBC shows, and enjoy a nice glass of Scotch.

The good news is that throwing myself into my work is having positive results, even if it’s taking forever and a day. Having no time to do anything but work and sleep means that I’m not wasting money anywhere. It’s still taking a long time, but I’m paying down my debts, little by little. Maybe by the time I’m 40, I’ll be able to afford a car. Ha. Oh god, I wish that were a joke.

Anyway, I also feel a tad less heartbroken than I did a couple of months ago, so that’s good. I’m still smarting a bit whenever I think of my ex, but we’ve had some nice, simple conversations about safe subjects via text, and I feel like eventually things won’t be so crappy. I really miss him. He’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had, so it really hurts to not be able to talk to him about the things that are impacting my life. But it’s healthy to not talk to him about, well, him, lol.

In related news, I feel like I’m making some strides toward eventually being a successful single girl again. I shared the same airspace with a really cute guy at my coffee shop the other day, and felt an unfamiliar urge to talk to him. He was intriguing, had a great Scottish accent, and he was totally peacocking around in a way that made me wonder if maybe he might have noticed me, too. He commandeered the coffee shop radio and played some great tunes, and we all know that’s my type of guy. Spoiler alert: I didn’t talk to him, because I got legitimately tongue tied and awkward and ended up hiding behind my computer until he left. But it was still an interesting thing to have happen. I’m very seldom attracted to people, and even less seldom do I run into smart, funny, AND interesting men. So it’s kind of cool to know that any still exist. Bonus points – he openly mocked American football while standing in line for coffee. Be still my heart.

Other guy stories: I joined Tinder on NYE, for about four hours, then hid my profile. I matched with five guys, three of whom were total ugh, one was cute but kind of boring, and one was a gentleman who has remained in touch without being pushy. We’re both into food, so I hope to meet up with him after work one night once I’ve lived through Mardi Gras, just to grab a drink and try out appetizers at some restaurant neither of us has visited before. Also interesting, I think that a guy at work might like me. He’s an enigma, and you know I can’t resist the promise of a weird time, so we’ll see what happens.

I think that’s all I have to say tonight. It’s time to go home and watch Aquarius.

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