This invisible monster,
Draped ’round your shoulders,
Leaching its poison into your mind,
This thing – uneven scales
Gnash together ever-so-lightly,
(Your ears don’t work too well these days)
You keep missing it.
I did too, at first.
But I hear it now,
This invisible monster –
The one that whispers,
The one that tells you what to see.
Does your neck hurt more these days?
A weakness, maybe, in your knees?
Wheezing now with distance walked?
Your guest grows fat and bold,
Perched on sloped shoulders, feasting on fatted calf:
pity and loathing
Nothing but the best).
What happens when you see it,
Your serpent-sleek spirit self, wound tight and poised to kill?
Who will win?
Today the invisible monster
Pulls faces at me from safety as I retreat.
(Your ears don’t work so well – you missed me begging you to break free.)
Self perpetuating daemon,
Wear another face for him.
Swallow peace whole.
Let him be.
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I caught my reflection while walking into the office block. No idea what I have chosen for myself to wear today. Well I thought I looked great – But I look like Tweedledee; and my body mass feels Tweedledum.
However, some warm Udon Noodle Soup would be so good for lunch today! *sigh*
Something that just recently rang true to me (after hearing it for years) was that I need to dress for my body type. Not to be beautiful. Not to impress others. Not to fulfill some esoteric fashion standards. Just to find peace with my body when I walk by mirrors and shop windows. Because the only way I’m going to change any of this (my body, my perception, my life) is to come to loving peace with what is already here. I am a perfectly suitable foundation for whatever it is that I choose to grow to be. I don’t need to be whittled down or perfected. I’m already a fine start to a great adventure. So a big F.U. to all the naysayers (including my own inner naysayer).
Also, I was wishing I could talk to you today, too. The boyfriend dumped me yesterday. This poem was about him, but in hindsight, it’s shortsighted. The breakup was a real eye-opener. In my loyalty, I have been blind. In my giving, I have opened myself up to the pain of neglecting myself, while still bearing the pain of being accused of not being caring enough. I’m done with the selflessness for awhile. I’m the only person who deserves the amount of energy I’ve been giving out to everyone else. Who else is going to do it? Also thinking about starting a separate blog under a pseudonym, to document being newly single at 35. What does one even do with a dating website? Or, gods help me, a hookup app? Eek, lol.
1. First of all: “The breakup was a real eye-opener. In my loyalty, I have been blind. In my giving, I have opened myself up to the pain of neglecting myself, while still bearing the pain of being accused of not being caring enough.”
^^^— You’re getting this right. We forget about ourselves when we put effort into the relationship because ultimately women have softer heart and they want to comfort others. But it gets tiring when the need is constant – we will lose own identity when the partner doesn’t reciprocate.
2. Secondly: “I’m the only person who deserves the amount of energy I’ve been giving out to everyone else. Who else is going to do it?”
^^^— Yes, you are right again. Ultimately we depend on ourselves. But we keep waiting for someone to save us. In order to save ourselves at a vulnerable point, we have to forgive ourselves. We have our own shortcomings and self-disappointment.
3. Thirdly: “Also thinking about starting a separate blog under a pseudonym, to document being newly single at 35.”
^^^— You could just go ahead and do it if it’ll be able to make you feel clean slate. I have… so many blogs that some I don’t even remember the address.
Take a break from work. Take a break from the mommy cat responsibility. Take a break from the cleaner/chef/launderer job at home.
Bring a book. A camera. Find a garden, find a park, find some ice cream or cool drink. Just sit in a cozy corner and immerse yourself with people watching. Buy yourself a single flower just because you like it. Appreciate your sights, because for me, a little pause in life will help.
I wish I could bring you out for coffee and conversations. I really do. *hugs*
Also, I hope you ate the soup! ❤
Oh I didn’t. But I got to have rice, deep fried chicken with spices, chili gravy and salted egg. Yum.
OMG I’m so hungry right now. I made a huge pot of spicy lentils to get me through to payday, but the mere mention of chili gravy…sigh. 😀
You could stock up on beef stew? Just pre-pack them in per meal canister. Have salad. It’ll make your head feel clearer. Fruits too. I love mangoes.
I normally have more food on hand, but I cleared out my bank account to pay for A/C repairs and put $ in savings for rent, so it’s lentils and rice at home, supplemented by free breakfast (bacon and eggs) at Job 1, or free bagels at Job 2. I’m definitely buying a watermelon on payday, though. Totally craving!
Oh dear. Yes, commitments and responsibilities. All the grown up stuffs. Such fun.
I hope you’ll get your watermelon soon!
Being an adult is really lame sometimes. Meh.