Pausing To Regroup

Has anyone else been watching Legion? Starting to feel like I’ve got my own Lenny calling the shots sometimes. (By the way, does anyone else have a massive girl crush on Aubrey Plaza in this role? She’s electrifying!)

I really screwed up this week. On Wednesday, I went to see Brian Wilson play at the Saenger Theatre, and that night I ended up spending money I didn’t have on food I didn’t really want. I overate, and I felt sick all the next day. But feeling terrible didn’t mean that I went easy on myself the next day and got back on track; I felt so crappy, I ended up getting Chinese for dinner as comfort food, and of course I then overate again. So then Friday I woke up feeling REALLY terrible – bloated and queasy and just out of it, and breaking out behind my ears and under my jawline in an allergic reaction to something I had eaten. So what did I do? I went to a baseball game that night, and ate more crap, so I’d feel truly disgustingly sick. Then I woke up on Saturday, knowing that I had the chance to put it all behind me, and ordered a pizza and wings, and skipped my chance to hear Noah Levine doing a live reading/talk/Q&A because I felt like the most disgusting human on the planet. Then I ate a pint of ice cream and some gumbo and two sodas for dinner, and went to bed really sad with how far down the rabbit hole I’d managed to fall in just a few days.

So I woke up this morning, thought about going to the gym to try to set off on the right path, and decided that I couldn’t face the day, and then went back to bed until early afternoon, when I woke up and got an iced ginger latte and a lox sandwich for my late lunch. I don’t really feel too bad about that, actually. I mean, yeah, I really couldn’t afford to spend that money and I’ll be short for the rest of the month because of it, but it was a truly delicious sandwich, and ginger lattes are probably my favorite thing on the planet, other than decent ginger beer (which is sadly difficult to find – they’re always too sweet).

Anyway, that was my last five days of burning money and eating myself sick. Oh, and I felt so terrible about it all (physically, mentally, and emotionally) that I also skipped my Recovery Refuge meeting tonight, like an asshole. It felt like an episode of Elementary, where Sherlock starts skipping his meetings because he’s not well, emotionally, and his sponsor has to track him down. Except when it’s pizza instead of heroin, and you have no sponsor, no one’s there to track you down and drag you to a meditation circle. I’ve got to get my own shit together. I’m a grownup. I have to figure out how to do this.

So.

Keeping all this in mind, I know that I can’t change what’s already happened. I can only try to make better choices moving forward. So I took a time out from feeling like a worthless pile of shit and thought back to what I have done differently for the last couple of weeks that seemed to be working out for me.

Step one has been cooking up a big pot of veggie curry to have on hand. Wouldn’t you know that I ate the last of the curry on Tuesday night? And look where that got me. So today I looked up a new curry recipe for my crockpot, and of course the food co-op didn’t have half of the ingredients that I wanted, so I’m doing something new with the things I could find: chickpeas, green beans, carrots, onion, and I’m also trying garam masala for the first time. I’ll let you know what happens.

Step two has been going to the gym, so I’ve already let my gym buddy know that I’ll be there for spin class tomorrow. Step three is, of course, meditation. I’m going to try something new this week, and go to a meditation meetup at the Healing Center on Wednesday night. Singing would be great, too. I wonder if I’d have time to get to the kirtan meetup tomorrow night if I leave the gym by 7pm? Hmmm.

The final step will be seeing a doctor. Mindfulness has been proven to help with binge eating, but I should be seeing a therapist again to work with my anxiety and really give this the one-two punch. Unfortunately, at the moment that’s just not an option. My job is great, and pays for health insurance, but a trip to the doctor still costs $35 out of pocket, and that’s just money I don’t have. Especially after eating it all this week. Insert huge sigh here. I do have a regular doctor’s visit coming up in May, though, so maybe by then I can figure something out.

I feel worse about missing tonight’s meeting because of a weird second of interaction that happened last meeting. When the official meeting is over, one of the group leaders takes the time to talk to people as they’re packing up and leaving the meeting spot. It’s really nice of him, though it makes me a little uncomfortable, just in the way that any personal interactions with strangers make me act even weirder than usual. He strikes me as a very kind, empathetic man, and I don’t know anything about him, but if I had to guess, I’d say that he’s an artist of some kind. He just gives off a vibe – a little bit punk, a tad eclectic, eyes that seem to see you and through you at the same time. I bet he’s a Scorpio.

Anyway, after the first meeting, he took time to ask me if I’d be back, and what I thought, the usual thing. Then at last week’s meeting, he was talking to someone else as I was collecting my stuff, so I just walked past them and started to walk out the door. I was halfway out the door when I heard him call my name, a little bit like a question, maybe a little bit worried. I looked back, and he had his hand half outstretched. It felt like a millisecond of panic, barely reined in. If I had to guess, I’d say that he planned to be personal with everyone, so it hadn’t occurred to him that he might miss anyone on his list due to them leaving without saying goodbye. And maybe he’s a bit like me, really wanting to be good to people, but not entirely sure that he’s doing it right. Or maybe he was worried about me for some reason I can’t see but he can. Anyway, I looked back, smiled, and told him I’d see him next time. He looked skeptical, maybe worried. Which maybe also might be why I didn’t go back tonight, because anyone could tell that I’ve been gorging myself for the last few days. My face is round. My skin looks terrible. My hair was stringy until I washed it a little bit ago. Ugh.

Whatever. I’m doing what I can to get myself back. I gave myself a pedicure. I washed the dishes. I put a pot of curry on. I boiled eggs, and made tea, and fed the cats, and cleaned out the litter boxes. I am writing my blog post. I will pick out my outfit for tomorrow, listen to a hypnotherapy recording, and get a good night’s sleep. I will go to work early (with a healthy breakfast and lunch packed up) and go to the gym after I’m done with all of my paperwork. I will come home and vacuum the house, clean the bathroom, and write another blog post. I will be OK. In the end, that’s really the only choice.

I’m bookending this with one of my favorite versions of “Feeling Good,” for your listening pleasure…

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2 thoughts on “Pausing To Regroup

  1. mumsthewordblog1 says:

    One question? What in earth is a lox sandwich? Obviously not something we have down under here in Oz! 😜

    • Anna says:

      You know, they’re not that common here, either. It’s pretty easy to find lox and bagels in any decent breakfast place (though whether or not the bagel will be any good is always a gamble). But there’s a really nice market with little popup restaurants down the street, and they introduced this new sandwich with lox, caper cream cheese, tomatoes, onion, and greens on a really nice, homemade, toasted semolina bread. It was pretty darn good.

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