Look at your world. Turn. Look again. Close one eye. Look. The other eye. Tilt your head a bit. Close both eyes, spin in a circle. Look one more time. What is it? Has it changed from what it was, whatever that may have been? Where are you now? Is your world different, or are you? Is it all the same? Maybe you should give the whole process one more go.
When I was a little girl, I used to love to lie upside down in my dad’s overstuffed arm chair and stare at the ceiling. I’d pretend I was walking over the light fixtures. I’d plan my route to the kitchen, walking across the wide wooden beams, skipping over door frames. The ceiling world was uncharted territory, somewhere that only I knew was available to explore. Not quite Narnia, mind you, but you’d never see my parents pretending they could walk on the ceiling. It was all mine, a gift I gave myself through taking the time to see the world from a new angle.
Since coming back from the Camino, I’ve begun to realize that my physical walk across Spain was a hell of a lot more like my pretend walks across the ceiling than I’d have ever imagined. Giving myself permission to look at life from a new angle has opened the door for so many changes. Along the way, I’ve found a piece of myself that must have been misplaced for quite some time.
Don’t get me wrong; life’s not all rainbows and lollipops at the moment. I’m still dealing with anxiety, and I’m not doing that well financially. However, I feel so much better than I did just a few months ago. I quit the client who made me most anxious, and I’ve found a new job that makes me happy and gets me out of the house. It was a tough decision, since the client paid me very well, and the new job isn’t exactly a goldmine, but I realized that I’d rather be sane. I was spending all of that extra cash self medicating with pizza, anyway.
I’ve started being able to pinpoint symptoms of anxiety, and I’ve worked out a system of self-care to help me stay calm and restful: tulsi or chamomile tea, no sugar or caffeine, soothing epsom baths, yoga, hypnotherapy recordings, and plenty of exercise. I’m still working on the “plenty of exercise” part, though, lol.
Mostly, I feel like my new job as a hotel front desk agent has given me a chance to get out of my own head, where I seemed to be living for the last couple of years. I miss my cats when I’m gone, but it’s nice to be useful to people again.
I don’t know where I’m going. It feels like I’m still turning, tilting, shifting, reassessing. I have a feeling that it will be that way for a while to come before I find the groove I’m supposed to be in. But I’m liking this new perspective. I’m liking this old me.