Compass & Quill

I have so much on my mind lately that it’s hard to figure out where to start. Life is…well, it just is. There are highs and lows, but somehow it seems that the lows come closer together these days. Even so, I realize that I’m lucky. My life is better than many people’s. I have my own apartment, a boyfriend who loves me, food to eat, clothes to wear, cats to cuddle up to when I’m having a bad day, an awesome gym that never fails to lift my spirits. But things just don’t feel right. I’m not doing what I should be doing. Life is out of whack, somehow, but I can’t see the problems clearly, so I don’t know how to fix them. I just feel them, hanging around like this cloud of doom. I expect the storm to land any second, but how long can a person live with that kind of feeling without breaking?

I went to a new doctor to talk about my weight gain, hormonal acne, depression/mood swings, fatigue, memory loss, and fuzzy attention span, and showed her my test results from the last two times I had my thyroid tested. I told her that I’d like to have comprehensive tests to find out what’s going wrong with my hormones. Instead, she signed me up for the most basic thyroid bloodwork available (TSH and T4, which experts agree is not enough to go on when trying to diagnose thyroid issues, which often hide and are very tricky to diagnose), and suggested I see a psychiatrist, a dermatologist, and go on a diet. Luckily, I’m going to an OB/GYN in a couple of weeks, and I’ll have more luck talking to someone who deals with hormones daily. I’ll go in with the exact bloodwork panel that I’d like to have tested, and try again. I’ll take her up on the referrals to the psychiatrist and dermatologist, as well, but since the first psych appointment isn’t until late August, I’m sure I’ll have more answers long before then. My boss says that I should be more assertive in telling my doctor what I want, and what she needs to do. I wish I felt it possible to be more pushy. It’s just not me.

In the mean time, I’m once again watching every single morsel that I put in my mouth, writing down every bite and sip in a food and exercise journal. Maybe if I’m really good, I will lose the weight after all. But worst case scenario, I can show the doctor exactly what I’ve been eating/drinking, with times and supplements and liquids and exercises, and maybe she’ll be less inclined to act like I’m a time suck and more inclined to actually listen to me when I say that I think there’s something physically wrong with me.

My apartment is a terrible mess right now, and I’m going to devote tonight to cleaning. First order of business: finish this blog post. Next: finish up my 15k steps for the day (currently at 11,518). After that: home to take a shower and clean the house from top to bottom. Once those tasks are accomplished, I might just stay up and work all night. I don’t know yet. Man, am I boring or what?

Oh yeah, I did 5 back squats at 130 lbs. today, which is awesome because my previous 1 rep max was 135 lbs. I’m pretty sure that at this rate I could back squat maybe 155 lbs. Gonna try it out next week!