There’s no answer to today’s Daily Post prompt. How could I possibly pick just three memories from 32 years, to be defined henceforth as the most memorable? My memories are like selections from a favorite jukebox: all are worthy of space, some are overplayed, a few are delightful one-hit wonders that bring a smile to my heart the moment they start up, and a handful fill me with dread, or at the least, sorrow. Each is most special at the moment it reaches the surface and starts to play, but no less special afterwards, when it slides back down to wait again for another turn who-knows-when. So no, my blog posts are not Buzzfeed. I won’t be making a Top 3 Memories list, at least not right now.

But I can take a second to tell you something I’ve been ruminating on today. This morning I had a few different thoughts that all worked their way into one big question. It’s already become apparent to me that I’ve been retreating further and further into my own imagination over the last few years, making up stories to keep my heart safe. I’ve always been a dreamer. It’s just what I do. There’s nothing wrong with that. And dreams (for me, at least) start with memories, so I snag what I can and store it away for later, then build on it. I often retreat into two vacations I took in 2004 and 2005; if dreams could count in recorded history, I’ve spent at least a year or two walking the streets of Vienna and Paris, eating late-night kebabs, crying over Egon Schiele paintings.

But now I suddenly find myself dreaming about things from my present. Happening things. Concrete things. Things that I can have, and that I don’t have to dream about – though that’s been fun, for pleasure’s sake. I’m telling myself that I know what to do with this information, but obviously I don’t, or I wouldn’t be sharing it here, waiting for insight.

Here’s what I do know, and what I will do: indulge myself. Become immersed. Invite participation. Share more than I’m typically comfortable sharing. Look at myself through someone else’s eyes, and love what I see. Teach him how to do the same. Listen to him breathe, and enjoy the way it makes me feel. Notice my trembling soul. Balance on it. Pirouette. Do it again, and again, and again, until I’m dizzy with the fact that my dreams aren’t half as good as my sudden, unexpected reality.

Fall asleep smiling. Wake up singing. Love. Me. You.

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

1. Oh Spinghar – I miss you dearly | Perspectives on life, universe and everything
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