I’m running on empty, so this will be short. Just capturing a thought or two before I hit the proverbial hay. (“Screw you, hay!” *pow – right in the kisser!* Haha – sigh. Moving on…)
So tonight I walked into a store with a particular item in mind. I’m buying a new comforter for my new bedroom in my new apartment on my new street in my new neighborhood, blah, blah, blah. Same old city, though, which is suddenly not looking like the gaping maw of absolute awful that it did just a few months ago. Funny how a few small changes – or one person – can really improve your outlook and make you not feel like running away from your problems anymore. But I digress. (Continually, right? This bitch is wilin’!)
Anyway, I walked into the store with a duvet cover in mind. I’d like to have a duvet. I’ve wanted a duvet for years, but for reasons we won’t go into I didn’t find it possible to own one. So goddamn it, I want one now. But before the bedding section comes the shoe rack, and everyone knows I’m addicted to shoes, so of course I went there first.
I get to the shoe rack, and start looking at the shoes, and then I realize – I don’t know what shoes I like. In that moment, I couldn’t tell you what shoes I wanted. I knew the ones I thought were pretty, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the shoes I automatically wrote off as “ugly” were only that because I thought certain other people might think so. I made myself stop and consider shoes, front and back, top and bottom, heel height, material, treads, brand equity. And suddenly my mind started to open up. I remember being known for my funky shoes, and sure, it might have been a quarter of my life ago that I was weird and loved shit that other people could potentially hate, but I rocked it. So what gives? Where have I been for the last 8 years? Why did I go away? Why am I back? What have I missed?
Next I went to the candle section and forced myself to smell every candle with only myself in mind. True to form, it appears that I must have trained myself to like other people’s favorite scents, too. Some smells will never work for me again – when I left for Hurricane Katrina, my house was scented with Glade lavender plugins, and the smell makes me feel like puking and/or stabbing someone. So as much as I adore lavender, those won’t ever cross my threshold again. Creme brulee candles make me think of a doomed romance, so those can’t be a part of my household, either. But what about the ocean? And sandalwood? And rich tobacco? My very favorite scent of all time is the weirdest, but I love the smell of tobacco and whiskey on a man. It makes me think of freedom and warmth and home. None of the candles smelled anything like that – which is fine, really, because wouldn’t that be weird? However, I did pick up a tobacco and oak scented beauty, and another lavender candle that smelled a little more like a gardenia (but I like them, too, so that’s OK).
But back in the duvet section, I couldn’t decide. Mostly because nothing really stuck out for me, but also because I seem to have forgotten what I like in that arena, as well. I used to be flamboyant. I liked flamboyant. I liked weird. (I still like weird, and I still am weird, so I’m not completely gone – maybe just hibernating?) So what is it that has me telling myself that grownups can’t have wildly colored bedding, or more than a few pillows? I WANT THESE THINGS.
See, I knew if I just wrote about it, I’d figure it out. Wish me luck, folks. It appears this is going to be a wild ride. Luckily, I’m feeling up to the challenge.