The Highs and Lows of the Holiday Season

I’ve thought long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that I’m just not that into Christmas this year. Maybe it’s because uncomfortable family dynamics have always stressed me out during the holiday season. Maybe it’s just because I hate feeling pressured into buying things for people, when I know the real reason I’m purchasing this specific whatsit for The Man is because it’s roughly the value of the thingamajig he’s going to get for me. I hate it! There’s way too much guilt, and not nearly enough goodwill left to spread around.

So there are six days to go until Christmas rolls around, and I’m officially over the whole damned season. That being the case, there’s a good chance that I won’t be stopping in to talk to you via C&Q until the holiday season has buried its ugly little head in the sand once again. I’m in no mood to share stories of holiday goodness, or even to list out my New Years’ resolutions like I’ve done in previous years. But there are other reasons for my radio silence, too – mostly reasons that I just can’t talk to you about right now. My life is getting ready to change soon in some pretty giant ways, and this isn’t the place to air that laundry (yet).

Rest assured that the news, when it hits, will be full of goodness. Possibly it will be full of all of the happy thoughts I’m just not seeing in the red-and-green tinged world that surrounds me at the moment. Maybe by next year I will have recovered some pieces of my long-lost holiday cheer, and will be writing to you about all of the exciting difference a year has made. I dunno. Until we meet again, hugs, kisses, and here’s hoping that plenty of gluhwein gets poured in your general direction. I love you all.

XO,

A

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34 thoughts on “The Highs and Lows of the Holiday Season

  1. compassandquill says:

    One would think that a bf of 8 years would want to be more invested in his partner’s hobbies. But he wasn’t online that often, and when I finally got the guts to break up with him, he had absolutely no clue that I’d been unhappy (despite telling him that I was unhappy, and asking for couples counseling, and all that BS for the last four or five years). If he’d been reading, he’d have had a clue.

    He wasn’t a bad person in any way, he just had no interest in what was going on in my life. Too tangled up in his own issues to step out of it and see that I was having trouble bolstering the entire relationship on my own. I should have gotten out years ago, but I loathed myself too much to believe I was worthy of better. It is what it is – and now it’s suddenly MUCH better. That’s fine by me. πŸ™‚

    • compassandquill says:

      I dunno; with any other man, I’d assume yes, but he was different. He just wasn’t into what I had to say – he didn’t even laugh at my jokes, thought my career was boring, hated small talk and musings. Wish he would have told me that he read it, if he did.

      Either way, everything in the blog was said to his face at length, and more. I realized during the breakup that I hadn’t been honest with myself about how much I hated me for letting him treat me like an afterthought. But really, if you have no respect for yourself, how can you expect your partner to respect you any more? We spent about a week hashing every aspect out, in an attempt to walk out of the relationship with some positivity.

      In the end he apologized for ignoring “us” for so long, scrambled for purchase, realized it was far too late, and had a massive reckoning. He’s quit his job, packed up to move out of state (or maybe country, he doesn’t know which), started working out again after years away from the gym…it’s extreme, but it suits who he used to be, before becoming a career-obsessed grouch. He’s sad to have lost me, but we’re both in much better places without each other. And I had to face some hard truths, too. It’s taken me all these years to come to the realization that I’m not broken, second rate, crazy, fat, or in any other way a worthless excuse for a girl. I’m a beautiful example of a woman, and I’m a lot stronger than I thought I’d ever be. Maybe I should be writing this into a blog post. Hmmm.

  2. treatwilliams says:

    You ain’t fat. The photo from hanging out with your college mate recently- the contrast between that and when you were a teenager travelling in Europe is astounding. Talk about flowering! As disingenuous as you are, you’re very beautiful. And you’re some writer. Can’t stop reading you, even though I hate ya a bit!

  3. compassandquill says:

    Yeah, I’m starting to reevaluate preconceived notions about all sorts of shit. Amazing what a good, old-fashioned life shakeup can do for your outlook. Thanks about the writing compliment – it means a lot. There was a time when I assumed I’d be published one day; don’t know why I gave up on that, exactly. When are you going to update? Or are you keeping a second blog?

    • compassandquill says:

      Have you tried doing the Daily Post prompt each day? I found that helped me stop wallowing a bit, and forced me to look at the world from other angles. Although their site redesign is truly abysmal. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/ More importantly, it helps you get more readers, which boosts self-esteem (unless they hate you, but that can be its own bit of fun).

  4. treatwilliams says:

    My complement about your looks was all wrong wasn’t it? It’s disconcerting to realise that you’re a weirdo like that. It’s been happening quite frequently lately. Am I on the ball on that at least?

    • compassandquill says:

      πŸ˜€ You’re hilarious. But really, I’m taken. If you’ve been reading any of my newest blog posts, you’ll see hints here and there that something really lovely has been happening in my life. I’ll write about it sooner or later; the timing of it makes me look a little insane, so I’m giving my life time to air out and settle down before announcing much more to the world.

  5. treatwilliams says:

    Well listen, I’m sorry for borderline abusing you. You really could write for Britain, or America. It’s compulsive shit. If you ever wrote a memoir type thing I’d be first in line. Good luck with it all.

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