Compass & Quill

The Highs and Lows of the Holiday Season

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Nova

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I’ve thought long and hard, and have come to the conclusion that I’m just not that into Christmas this year. Maybe it’s because uncomfortable family dynamics have always stressed me out during the holiday season. Maybe it’s just because I hate feeling pressured into buying things for people, when I know the real reason I’m purchasing this specific whatsit for The Man is because it’s roughly the value of the thingamajig he’s going to get for me. I hate it! There’s way too much guilt, and not nearly enough goodwill left to spread around.

So there are six days to go until Christmas rolls around, and I’m officially over the whole damned season. That being the case, there’s a good chance that I won’t be stopping in to talk to you via C&Q until the holiday season has buried its ugly little head in the sand once again. I’m in no mood to share stories of holiday goodness, or even to list out my New Years’ resolutions like I’ve done in previous years. But there are other reasons for my radio silence, too – mostly reasons that I just can’t talk to you about right now. My life is getting ready to change soon in some pretty giant ways, and this isn’t the place to air that laundry (yet).

Rest assured that the news, when it hits, will be full of goodness. Possibly it will be full of all of the happy thoughts I’m just not seeing in the red-and-green tinged world that surrounds me at the moment. Maybe by next year I will have recovered some pieces of my long-lost holiday cheer, and will be writing to you about all of the exciting difference a year has made. I dunno. Until we meet again, hugs, kisses, and here’s hoping that plenty of gluhwein gets poured in your general direction. I love you all.

XO,

A

34 responses to “The Highs and Lows of the Holiday Season”

  1. MIke Mitchell Avatar
    MIke Mitchell

    Hang in there and Best Wishes getting through everything. Let’s hope 2014 will be an amazing year!

    Reply
  2. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    *I love you all.

    (Not guaranteed)

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      Lol! Thanks for calling my attention back to this old post. Things really have changed for the better since Christmas. Hard to believe it wasn’t all that long ago. XO!

      Reply
      1. treatwilliams Avatar
        treatwilliams

        Cool!! (whatever)

      2. compassandquill Avatar
        compassandquill

        Your snark is delightful.

      3. treatwilliams Avatar
        treatwilliams

        Did your ex-boyfriend read all your posts?

      4. compassandquill Avatar
        compassandquill

        Nah, he didn’t care enough to read anything I wrote. That’s not meant to sound sad, just true. 🙂

      5. treatwilliams Avatar
        treatwilliams

        he must have.

  3. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    out of self interest. Gimmie a break.

    Reply
  4. compassandquill Avatar
    compassandquill

    One would think that a bf of 8 years would want to be more invested in his partner’s hobbies. But he wasn’t online that often, and when I finally got the guts to break up with him, he had absolutely no clue that I’d been unhappy (despite telling him that I was unhappy, and asking for couples counseling, and all that BS for the last four or five years). If he’d been reading, he’d have had a clue.

    He wasn’t a bad person in any way, he just had no interest in what was going on in my life. Too tangled up in his own issues to step out of it and see that I was having trouble bolstering the entire relationship on my own. I should have gotten out years ago, but I loathed myself too much to believe I was worthy of better. It is what it is – and now it’s suddenly MUCH better. That’s fine by me. 🙂

    Reply
  5. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    Ah ok. Conversation over obviously. XO!

    Reply
  6. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    He definitely read your blog though. Dunno how you two faced each other after lengthy posts about his failings.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      I dunno; with any other man, I’d assume yes, but he was different. He just wasn’t into what I had to say – he didn’t even laugh at my jokes, thought my career was boring, hated small talk and musings. Wish he would have told me that he read it, if he did.

      Either way, everything in the blog was said to his face at length, and more. I realized during the breakup that I hadn’t been honest with myself about how much I hated me for letting him treat me like an afterthought. But really, if you have no respect for yourself, how can you expect your partner to respect you any more? We spent about a week hashing every aspect out, in an attempt to walk out of the relationship with some positivity.

      In the end he apologized for ignoring “us” for so long, scrambled for purchase, realized it was far too late, and had a massive reckoning. He’s quit his job, packed up to move out of state (or maybe country, he doesn’t know which), started working out again after years away from the gym…it’s extreme, but it suits who he used to be, before becoming a career-obsessed grouch. He’s sad to have lost me, but we’re both in much better places without each other. And I had to face some hard truths, too. It’s taken me all these years to come to the realization that I’m not broken, second rate, crazy, fat, or in any other way a worthless excuse for a girl. I’m a beautiful example of a woman, and I’m a lot stronger than I thought I’d ever be. Maybe I should be writing this into a blog post. Hmmm.

      Reply
  7. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    ok, or he was a complete martian.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      Intriguing theory. Could be.

      Reply
  8. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    annaannaannaannaannaannaANNA!

    anna.

    Reply
  9. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    You ain’t fat. The photo from hanging out with your college mate recently- the contrast between that and when you were a teenager travelling in Europe is astounding. Talk about flowering! As disingenuous as you are, you’re very beautiful. And you’re some writer. Can’t stop reading you, even though I hate ya a bit!

    Reply
  10. compassandquill Avatar
    compassandquill

    Yeah, I’m starting to reevaluate preconceived notions about all sorts of shit. Amazing what a good, old-fashioned life shakeup can do for your outlook. Thanks about the writing compliment – it means a lot. There was a time when I assumed I’d be published one day; don’t know why I gave up on that, exactly. When are you going to update? Or are you keeping a second blog?

    Reply
  11. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    More posts about menstrual cups please, those are my fav.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      LOL!

      Reply
  12. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    My blog is about nothing but low self-esteem ultimately, I realised. Trying to cultivate some thoughtfulness then I’ll try again at some point.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      Have you tried doing the Daily Post prompt each day? I found that helped me stop wallowing a bit, and forced me to look at the world from other angles. Although their site redesign is truly abysmal. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/ More importantly, it helps you get more readers, which boosts self-esteem (unless they hate you, but that can be its own bit of fun).

      Reply
  13. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    I have gone walking with the intention of just thinking about the daily prompt but it often degenerate into wallowing. Is there anywhere I could talk to you in real time?

    Reply
  14. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe not. Sorry shouldn’t be using this like a dating site.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      LOL! And sorry, not available.

      Reply
  15. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    Why not?

    Reply
  16. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    Even someone who considers themselves second-rate won’t have anything to do with me. Not good.

    Reply
  17. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    Why not? You laughed out loud at my jokes after all. Don’t you want more of that?

    Reply
  18. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    My complement about your looks was all wrong wasn’t it? It’s disconcerting to realise that you’re a weirdo like that. It’s been happening quite frequently lately. Am I on the ball on that at least?

    Reply
  19. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    I LOVE YOU ANNA

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      😀 You’re hilarious. But really, I’m taken. If you’ve been reading any of my newest blog posts, you’ll see hints here and there that something really lovely has been happening in my life. I’ll write about it sooner or later; the timing of it makes me look a little insane, so I’m giving my life time to air out and settle down before announcing much more to the world.

      Reply
  20. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    sort of.

    Reply
  21. treatwilliams Avatar
    treatwilliams

    Well listen, I’m sorry for borderline abusing you. You really could write for Britain, or America. It’s compulsive shit. If you ever wrote a memoir type thing I’d be first in line. Good luck with it all.

    Reply
    1. compassandquill Avatar
      compassandquill

      Thank you so much for that. It really does mean a lot.

      Reply

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Hello,

I’m Nova

I have no “personal brand.” I’m not a girl boss, I’m not an influencer, and I don’t aspire to be powerful, inspiring, or rich. I probably can’t teach you anything, and there’s a good chance that there’s nothing at all of interest or use to you here. This is just where I come to talk about the random bits and pieces that make up my quiet life as a sober woman in her 40s. I’m engaged to the love of my life, have six (yes, SIX) indoor pets, and spend a lot of time gardening and hunting for thrift treasures. I also study classical voice (I’m a lyric coloratura soprano) and am deeply interested in all things spiritual and paranormal. Right now I’m trying to recover from career burnout and even out my personal energy, but my eventual goal is to become a medium and shamanic healer, using music to remind humans of the things that actually matter: connection, community, and loving all living things as though they were our own children. I may or may not talk about all of these things here (and sometimes all at once). Welcome!

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