The Deadline


I’m so angry right now.

I’m angry at The Man for flinching when I try to hug or kiss him, for getting grossed out when I have to explain something about my body to him because he asks a question that I can’t answer delicately, for sulking ALL.THE.TIME. I’m angry that when I bring any of these up, he swears up and down that there’s nothing wrong, and turns it back on me. He asks why I always have to ask him if he’s angry at me, or what’s wrong, because there’s nothing wrong. But a kiss or a hug or a ‘hey beautiful’ once every few days would go a really long way. I’m literally starved for affection over here.

I’m also angry at myself for letting my life just go on down the same path for so long. I’m sad, so I eat too much. I get fat and even less happy. I’m angry, so I make myself feel better by sleeping in or taking my time playing around on the internet. I accomplish nothing. I dream about where I’d rather be, but I’m afraid to work towards that goal, because The Man can’t come with me. But what is it that I’m waiting around for? To be harrumphed at for the rest of my life? Will he ever get a job and go back to being himself, or is this all I have to look forward to? A sullen, sulking lump of joyless man, smoking endless cigarettes on the front porch in his socks? I don’t know how long I can take it. It’s been years of this, so it’s not like I haven’t tried hard enough.

Maybe I should have a deadline in mind. I guess now that I’ve put that in writing, I already did have a deadline. If we are still in New Orleans on my birthday, I’m going to figure out a way to get out of here, with or without him. By then I’ll be 32, and if I keep playing my cards right, my debt will be paid off. The next step will be setting myself up to live a life that fulfills my expectations – travel, adventure, laughter, singing, dancing, friends, love, reading, absorbing, reflecting, becoming complete.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Emma Newman says:

    I’ve heard a saying along the lines of ‘sometimes the people we love most aren’t always meant to be in our lives’. It’s a painful idea but it’s true from my experience. I do hope your man can find a job and pick himself up for you and for him!! But I would advocate a deadline is a good idea, you can’t live your life waiting for it to get better, sometimes you have to go out and make it happen. All the best!

    1. Anna says:

      Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. It’s a tough thing to think about, but waiting around forever doesn’t do anyone any good. Crossing my fingers…

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