Got a lot of random noise floating around in my head today, so just want to jot down some notes here to empty out my brain just a bit…

1) Today I did four loads of laundry and two loads of dishes. I swept, straightened, and cooked a casserole while talking to my mom on the phone for Mother’s Day. Afterwards, I walked a mile to the nearest movie theater, where I watched Iron Man 3 and ate a fancy cheese plate and marinated olives. Then, I came home and read half of “Tuesdays with Morrie” and watched some TV.

2) My entire day was a waste, other than talking to my mom. Cleaning sucks, the casserole is boring, the movie was good enough but not worth paying way too much for that fancy theater. The book is not as good as I had been led to believe, but hoping that’s just because I’m not thinking that clearly today.

3) I got my 10,000 steps in today, thanks to walking to the movie theater. I wish I had more opportunities in my day to cover a few miles of walking in completing my chores (on top of running at the gym) just so I could have more reason to burn calories. I work so close to work that even though I walk, it’s not really that much of a chore.

4) I had meant to call my grandmothers today. I haven’t talked to one of them in almost three years, I guess. The other one and I haven’t talked since July. Either way, it’s far too long. I’m afraid they’re going to die before we talk again, but the thought of talking about myself on the phone makes me want to puke. I hate talking on the phone. It’s not quite at phobia level, but there’s a definite sense of “malady” that accompanies my irrational distaste of using the phone in a traditional manner. Plus, the first grandma and I had a minor falling out, and I just haven’t felt like trying to reconcile. Not that I don’t love her, just that I really hate arguing or even really discussing opposing viewpoints. The thought of having to debate things with her is just mentally exhausting. But then again, so is worrying about my grandmothers dying before I get around to picking up the phone. I’m so screwed in this arena.

5) Forgot to pick up cat food. AND litter. I’m such a bad cat mom.

6) Which reminds me…I want a kitten. Or a pug puppy. Or another few catfish. But not really. I don’t think I want any more pets. In fact, I want more pets more than I want one human child. Am I ever going to want to have kids, I wonder?

7) But if I did have a kid, I’d name it Arya, after the coolest character in Game of Thrones.

8) Oh shit, Game of Thrones is on tonight.

9) Speaking of which, there was a mass shooting today in New Orleans at a Mother’s Day parade. At least 17 people were shot. Who the fuck opens fire on a goddamn MOTHER’S DAY PARADE? This city is full of incredibly dangerous idiots. Nine to one bet that the person or people involved were only looking to shoot one guy, and had no fucking clue what they were doing with the gun(s) they chose.

I can’t wait to get out of here. A few days ago, there was a kidnapping and rape less than a block from where I work. It barely made the news, unlike the more high profile kidnapping/rape scenario a couple of months back that happened about 10 blocks from my house. There are shootings and muggings all the time now, at all times of day. A purse was snatched from the restaurant that shares my work building. I’m afraid to go out of my house at night, to walk home from work by myself, to walk from the door of Walgreens to my car, even in a well-lit parking lot. I hate that every day feels like the day I’m going to get mugged or otherwise attacked. And most of all, I hate that you’re not supposed to mention it here, and that for me to say that I don’t feel safe is in some way evil or negative, like I’m a bad person for not just going with the flow and living one day at a time.

It’s really hard when you’ve got a crack-addled, one-shoed panhandler screaming about how FDR came back from the dead to kill JFK, right outside your living room window (he’s a regular on our street, and the cops won’t bother him since he doesn’t do much other than scream at empty air about farfetched presidential murder plots). Or when it’s a normal occurrence to find that you’re being followed by a man or men who stick to the shadows and try to look inconspicuous as they stay about a half block behind. I seldom walk on my own anymore, and never after dark. I’ve always been one to watch my back, and carry pepper spray, keys, or a knife. But I’m so tired of it now. I don’t want to move to suburbia or anything – I’d just be happy to move somewhere normal, like Chicago, where I can take a look at the crime map and move somewhere else. I dunno, I’m just rambling. I’m just scared. I hate it.