Do you ever get the feeling that everything is getting ready to change, and that you’re probably not ready for any of what’s to come? For the past few days, it’s seemed to me that I’m standing at a crossroads, but the paths ahead are hidden in the mist. I’m just waiting for the sun to come out and show me what lies ahead, but there’s still a decent stretch of night ahead before I can make any choices. I’m not worried or scared – in fact, I’m calm and feeling good about the change. The waiting is starting to annoy me a bit, though.
So many things are happening right now. I resigned from my job two weeks ago, and this Friday is my last day. I’m waiting to see if my employer wants to hire me on as an independent contractor, though I’m hoping that she won’t. If she does want to hire me, I feel like I should decline the offer and keep moving forward with my life. At the same time, I’m thinking that I’d be mad to decline the offer when I’m going to need that money to survive. But what is mere survival in comparison to living? And haven’t I been just barely surviving for the last few years, clinging to driftwood, struggling to stay afloat but wishing I could just let go and get it over with? I’d rather live a short, happy life than a long, miserable one. And this is only how I’m feeling on the ‘career I have’ front, not even the ‘career I wish I had’ front or the ‘rest of my life’ front.
I’ve been keeping an eye out for other jobs on the internet, but haven’t seen very much pop up. There are some opportunities that looked somewhat interesting, but nothing that pays or provides what I’ll need. On top of that, I feel like I should take this opportunity to do what I want, rather than what I have to or what I feel I need to to keep other people happy. I found a list of employment addresses for the different movies that are filming in town this summer, and I’ve been thinking about sending my resume to all of them, to see if anyone needs an assistant or helper of some kind. It might not pay well, but I bet it would be stimulating, and I’d be surrounded by the kind of misfits I need right now.
Also, going on vacation for a couple of weeks tends to put a damper on the job hunting process. I don’t want to have to obsessively check my email and phone while traveling, just in case someone has written and I’m putting them out by not responding with immediacy. This being the case, I’m not applying to a job unless it looks like the Holy Grail of jobs – and nothing has fit the bill quite yet. Just to make matters tougher, The Man has applied to a job in Massachusetts, meaning that it’s very possible that I might get back from vacation to find that we’re moving away in a month or two. It would look terrible to accept a new job only to have to quit it to move again. Of course, there are also other issues, things I can’t really think about right now, like the question of if I would move with The Man when the time came. He wants to move to a small town, and though that once sounded idyllic, now it sounds like a slow, boring death, no Bikram, no shopping, no nightlife, no dancing, no friends. Do I have faith that moving away from this will change him back into the man he used to be? Or that I will be able to find a way to accept who I’m supposed to become to make it work? Or can I somehow be more of who I am, less of a spectre and more of a Maus, somehow creating a stronger bond through forsaking my lack of ambition and moving forward as a whole person? I don’t know, and don’t have the energy to deal with that enormous question at this very moment. Soon, but not now.
It may be time to start thinking seriously about what it means to be on my own, but right now I can only take one step at a time – break up with my boss (quit), break up with my couch (vacation), break up with my complacency (get creative), then decide if I’m done with breaking up or if more changes should be made. If I did decide to go out on my own, I don’t think I’d stay here too much longer. I’d either move to Austin, to NYC, or maybe to San Francisco. All big changes, but homes to some of my best friends, people who would welcome me with open arms, applauding my choice to live larger than I have for the last handful of years.
But I’m letting myself fly away on wings of conjecture. First is being done with this godforsaken job. Then I’m going to enjoy the next two weeks like they’re my last. We’ll worry about the rest in mid-June, after the mists have cleared a bit, when the crossroads is in full view.