Day #33: Another Day of Blech – Except for Expendables 2


So yesterday was a pretty good day. No real stomach issues, and I ate a hearty lunch. I missed Bikram because of that work meeting – as I suspected, it ran over by a bit and I was too late to make the last class. That wasn’t such a big deal, though, because The Man and I headed out to watch The Expendables 2. AWESOME! I have a serious soft spot in my heart for Stallone. I just lust for Statham. Jet Li is a serious bad ass. Everybody else was pretty cool – even massively evil bad guy Jean Claude Van Damme. Oooh, he one BAD MAN! There were some gaps in the storyline. I saw at least one funny mistake that they didn’t catch in the editing room. But who the hell cares? It was amazing! They killed like 5 million people in the course the movie. In the first Expendables, the ‘good guys’ killed 1,593. This movie had at least triple that – probably way more, but I can’t find the count right now. That doesn’t count kills by the bad guys, which now that I think about it, weren’t that many but were either impactful or straight up plot points when they occurred. Anyway, I’m not here to write a review – just to say that if you need a mindless movie with hot older guys being incredibly physical and hunky, and you also happen to like watching shit get blown up…this is your film.

After yesterday’s great day, I was sure I’d also wake up fine today, but instead I awoke from a nightmare about being mugged (by ZZ Top, no less) into a strange physical sensation that is much like what I imagine the characters in the Alien franchise feel right before a baby alien pops out of their chest. I thought I might be having a heart attack, then I realized it might be heart burn, so I took a bunch of Tums and attempted to go back to bed. Then I realized that the sensation was now moving down my intestinal tract, where it stopped feeling so much like a burning pressure and began to feel like I was being stabbed by hundreds of Lilliputians. Fucking Lilliputians. Of course, my brainiac solution was to eat a sandwich – for some reason, sick Maus always thinks it’s a good idea to try to drown out pain with a sandwich (and sometimes soup, or mashed potatoes). That added to the twisty, stabby, awful pain in my gut, but now I’ve also taken some gas medicine and it’s also doing nothing, so all I’ve got left is to go to work, sit through several meetings, and try not to scare anybody with my “Help, there’s an alien about to explode out of my large intestine!” face. Fuck you, food poisoning. Yes, I know that I normally do not curse on this blog (I’m scared that my grandmother is reading – and if so, Hi Grandma!), but I just feel like shit today, and so I’m taking it out on the internet before I accidentally scare my coworkers with anything other than an alien baby.

OK, going to work to frighten clients now.



Day #32: Bikram Double, Food Poisoning & Weight Loss

So. I’m late for work but didn’t want to let another day go by without writing something. That being the case, I’ll make this kind of short. On Saturday, I made it to two yoga classes – whoot! It felt pretty good, actually, though by the time the second class was over, I was weak, woozy, had a bit of a fever, and was incredibly thirsty. I thought it was probably a loss of electrolytes from sweating so much that day, but by the time I got home, I knew it was something more. I had an awful headache, and my stomach started tying up in knots. About an hour later, I got a call from one of my friends that I got dinner with on Thursday night, who told me that everyone from our group who had eaten takeout from the same burrito place had been puking all day. We had food poisoning.

The stabbing, twisting stomach pains and fever/chills continued all day yesterday, along with other symptoms too gross to mention. I wasn’t able to eat on Saturday night, and still couldn’t stomach food until yesterday afternoon, when I choked down some of The Man’s unfrosted pop tarts (unfrosted? who eats those? oh, yeah – The Man. weirdo.) They didn’t stick around in my system for long, but later in the evening I ate some cream of mushroom soup that did make me feel a bit better. Then this morning I woke up feeling pretty good. Gassy, but good. Sorry, I’m oversharing, but hey – this is the spot to do it.

With the last few days being what they were, I’m at 157.0 lbs. I’m going to eat healthy and light today, with hopes of feeling good enough to get to Bikram class this afternoon. I have a work meeting I have to attend at 4pm, so it might be impossible to get to Bikram in time, but I’m going to try. Even with one day off, my body misses it. Gotta get crackin’ – time to make the proverbial doughnuts.