…Frankenstein, that is – muahahaha!
It occurred to me tonight that it might be fun to take all the best parts of the guys I’ve dated and try to concoct the “perfect man.” I’m putting that in quotations because of course I don’t believe that there’s such a thing as a perfect person (of any gender identity). But it sounded like a fun exercise, and something a little Halloween-y, so let’s give it a try, shall we?
Rather than hop around from characteristic to characteristic, I’m going to put the guys I’ve dated in order, starting in college. The names of the innocent have been protected, but now they’re all just a number, lol. In order:
- Not much is salvageable from this one. He was a real turd, overall. However, to date, he was the only man who was genuinely interested in taking me out to fancy dinners. He bought me my first sushi, and bought me a steak at Smith & Wollensky, and for that I will be eternally grateful. My monster will be excited to go on culinary adventures.
- He was passionate about writing, with an encyclopedic knowledge of horror movies. My monster will love to curl up and watch horror flicks with me.
- He spoke French, and introduced me to foreign language music and film for the first time. My monster will be enthusiastic about exploring and sharing other cultures.
- Absolutely nothing of value.
- I’m cheating a little, because this is someone I dated in high school but saw again (very briefly) in college, and the things I’d salvage are from when we were kids. My monster will walk me to the front door, and will kiss me passionately in the rain.
- He made me a good mixtape that I STILL listen to (and this was like 2002). My monster will have eclectic and far-flung tastes in music.
- God, where do I start? He was a wonderful human being. Sure, he screwed up some big things (like managing to stay alive), but he will always be one of my favorite people. He was effusive and kind, with a Camino soul. He was Italian, and loved to feed people – mangia! He took the time to really get to know people, and listen to what they were saying. He was the first person to teach me the meaning of consent, too. My monster will walk in kindness, and be a gracious host and true friend.
- I liked this one a lot, too. Still do, even though he’s kind of a dick. I can’t blame him for it, though – we’re just so similar, it hurts. We were born on the same day, and that does funny things to a person. Never date your sign, and especially not your birthday. My monster will have a dry wit, fantastic taste in clothes, and will let me drive his car without batting an eyelash.
- Handsome as hell, but not the sharpest crayon in the box. My monster will be easy on the eyes.
- I loved this one with an intensity that echoes through to today and still makes my heart ache. He – we – had magic. He is a very talented musician and sculptor, and when we were dating, he put everything that he had into his music. I haven’t seen him in years, but I hope that he’s found a way to balance his life out a little more. Either way, his intensity was inspiring. My monster will be passionate about their gift(s), whatever they are, and will put in the effort to bring their best self to the table.
- So smart – the first thing that comes to mind is how analytical he is. His sense of humor is legendary (at least to me), too. I also love how goofy he gets over animals and children. He’s definitely someone’s keeper. My monster will love animals, and be really good at math/computers/puzzles in real life situations.
- Jesus, he was weird – but I kinda liked it. My monster will be confident in his oddity.
- We wrote and sang songs together, and I miss his friendship, if not his caustic nature and self-destructive streak. I really liked making music together. I’ve never found anyone else to sing with like that. My monster will sing with me, and will encourage my musicality (especially when I’m terrified to get on stage).
- Double ugh.
- Yeah, can’t see anything worth salvaging in this one, either. Glad I didn’t get stuck with him – that would be seriously disappointing.
- OK, so this one was a trash human, but…My monster will have an adventurous streak, and take me along for the ride.
- This one had a great many positive aspects, and that’s why we dated for nearly a quarter of my life. My monster will take care of things around the house without being asked, will often dress well and normally be clean (and not overly groomed), will love his family fiercely, will make me nachos, will always do his best to be good to me, and will call me an adorable pet name.
- He does yoga, contributes to worthy causes in meaningful ways, and loves adventure travel. He runs marathons and climbs mountains. My monster will love nature, and want to travel with me to spend time in the outdoors. He’ll also be interested in helping the world, actively looking for ways to give back.
- This one had a lot of great traits, as well. There’s a reason he stuck around for so long. My monster will slow dance with me in the kitchen, and give me foot massages just because. He will get excited to talk about theories and film plots and the deeper themes behind all sorts of things. He will hold me when I cry, and never be ashamed to discuss his feelings with me.
- I loved that he was searching for deeper meaning, and doing his best to shed the bullshit as he went. He was also patient, a fantastic cook, and very giving. He understood the meaning of teamwork, and could handle complex relationships without being overly dramatic. My monster will be a seeker, like me, and we will go looking together.
So, what do we have? A monster who likes going out on adventures, but also cuddling up at home with a good movie. Someone who is intelligent, but always still excited about learning and discussing and growing. He has a practical side, and can take care of himself, but also knows how to contribute to our team. He’s good at what he does, and takes pride in a job well done. He’s an adventurer and traveler, and wants to spend quality time on the go, outside in nature and in exploring foreign countries and cultures. He likes to cook and make music, and wouldn’t be embarrassed to put on a record and dance with me and be goofy. He loves animals and his family (with “family” being defined however he needs it to be), and is a welcoming host and good friend.
Y’all, I think I just built a pretty solid monster. What do you think?