Compass & Quill

The other day on a group therapy call, I said something in passing that the facilitator asked me to repeat. In the moment, I was a little confused why he’d be interested. But from the “ooohs” and “whoas” from the rest of the group, I appeared to have hit on something. So I’ll say it again here:

“I am more than just my brain. The rest of my body is also giving me wisdom, but it needs me to pay attention and translate what it’s saying.”

We were talking about learning to identify the things that trigger us to misbehave, self-soothe, or otherwise experience emotional distress. I was telling the group about my experience attending an addiction recovery group that uses mindfulness techniques based in Buddhism. The facilitator asked me what lessons I’d taken away from my time in the group, and I recounted how mindfulness had taught me that outside events don’t always trigger conscious thought. The thoughts we’re aware of are only the tip of the iceberg. To start to understand myself more, I realized that I needed to listen to my body.

Over the years, I’ve learned to note those physical signals. If my thoughts are racing, or if things are moving too quickly around me and I start to feel stressed, I need to stop what I’m doing and listen. Once I take a moment to breathe and reflect on what I’m feeling, I will nearly always be able to point out my emotion based on where I’m feeling the sensation in my body. Anger and frustration feels like a lump in my throat. Fear is up near my sinuses; it feels like the beginning of a sneeze. Dismay and nervous energy go straight to my belly. Love gives me chest pains. Boredom makes my hamstrings tighter.

In the old days, I used alcohol to numb my feelings. It certainly didn’t help make me any more comfortable, but it did let me stop ruminating long enough to sleep, and sometimes gave me a sense of protection that I don’t feel now. Being sober forces you to learn a new set of emotional resiliency skills. I’m still stumbling around in the dark most of the time, but I’m getting there. I still don’t have whatever that superpower is that lets the normies go out to crowded social events and just, like, exist and even have fun. But I can carry a complicated conversation at a dinner party, and I can wake up without a hangover or any kind of regret the next day. Those are good enough for now.

The latest silver lining of sobriety is that once I was forced to show up and sit through the difficult emotions 24/7, I began to realize that the uncomfortable physical sensations during times of stress are actually my body’s last resort. If I’m really tuned in, I start to notice subtle little nudges happening as soon as my body starts to realize things aren’t quite right around me – typically long before my conscious mind starts to notice anything is amiss.

I have always believed in the power of gut feelings, and in the past, I’ve tried to honor any bad feelings I’ve had about a person, place, activity, etc. When I was younger, I’d often get the brushoff from people around me who thought I was overreacting and being a killjoy. People tend to find rule followers dull, and I’m definitely a by-the-book type of person. But I’d much rather stay alive by overreaction than die from not listening to my intuition.

I’m interested in continuing this journey into becoming one with my body, and I hope that the path(s) I’m choosing are the right ones. All things will become clear with time – or so they say, anyway.