Compass & Quill

I wish I knew how to never feel jealousy. I know that it’s not very nice, and that it’s something to fight through. I know that you look stupid when you let jealousy get the best of you. I despise people who take their misgivings out dramatically on those they supposedly love. I did once throw a drink in someone’s face after he admitted cheating on me, but that’s about the extent of my ability to pitch a fit – public or private. I’m better at taking a breath and walking away.

The problem is my imagination. Logic normally helps me work my way through any questions or suspicions I invent, but I’m also a natural born storyteller, so I can’t help but draw up scenarios in a second. Luckily, as quick as I am with spinning a yarn, I can also think in opposites, build myself a healthy thing to believe, before I jump into any feelings that I won’t be able to jump out of. I’m good at doing my research, remaining skeptical, not rushing to conclusions. I can nearly always find a way to explain away whatever has me feeling green.

But the work involved in keeping cool and calm is exhausting. And you can never tell other people when you’re feeling jealous about something that’s going on with them. I mean, sure, if the person is your best friend in the world, and the jealousy has to do with a major life change, then you *might* have the leeway to go ahead and speak your mind in a constructive manner (I’ve done it, it worked, it was awkward, but it helped and I didn’t damage any friendships in the attempt). But most other jealous moments in life need to be handled carefully, quietly, and alone – especially if you’re feeling jealous of something that has to do with your romantic interest. I’ve tried being honest before, and it’s backfired. One partner just brushed it into the huge pile he was building of “examples why Anna’s nuts” (any time that I expressed emotion, or requested to work through, well, anything with him). Another partner told me that he found jealousy to be distasteful and unattractive. (I mean, no shit dude! So do I. But feelings must be felt, and worked through, and released. Shaming someone for having an emotion and expressing the desire to work through it is pretty distasteful and unattractive, in its own right.)

So yeah, anyway, I’ve got some jealousy, and nowhere to put it. It’s silly. There’s no reason for it. I’ll ask some questions, get some explanations, and I know I’ll have no reason at all to feel like I’m standing on shaky ground. But for the moment, this thing is rearing its ugly little head, and I have no way to make it go back to its cave. I just have to sit here, looking like a mean girl, when all I want is to have the information I need to be my normal pretty-decent-human-being self.