Compass & Quill

Today’s Weight: 162 lbs.

I’m officially giving up on being 145 lbs by my birthday. At this point it’s not only impossible, it would be dangerous to try to attempt anything close. I’m going to spend the next 14 days concentrating on getting as close to 155 lbs. as possible, with the knowledge that at least 5 lbs. of my present weight is due to not exercising for almost a week, and it will drop off in a day or two if I just watch what I eat and do.

I’m sick with a head cold, but I think I can make it to the sauna today, as well as to Zumba class. I also just got back from vacation, where I wasn’t keeping to any form of diet, exercise, or sleep schedule, so starting over today I’m back on track with keeping my calories in check and drinking tons of water.

It’s funny, I’ve been working so hard, and haven’t really gotten anywhere other than in a bad mood. It’s easy to see my problem by reading over this journal. I keep trying one thing, then another, never sticking with anything long enough. Part of that isn’t my fault, since I was doing well with Bikram and now there’s no outlet for that in this city. Although before I went on vacation for the weekend, I did see that a local hot yoga school was looking for work study students. Maybe I should see if they’re still looking.

This one issue is just a microcosm of the way I deal with my life. I have these few solid goals, but really can’t commit to getting them done in any definable pattern. I just get bored and/or sidetracked so easily, and never more so than when it comes to eating. I love to eat. It’s a straight toss up whether I’d rather be beautiful and fit or just well fed and amused, and lately well fed and amused is winning.

But that’s hurting me. It’s making me feel unattractive and insecure, which is really affecting my romantic life. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now, and besides the inevitable slowdown that occurs after your hormones have stopped telling you you’re crazy in love, now I also have to deal with feeling ugly and ashamed of myself, which makes me angry at him, even though he still thinks I’m beautiful and says so often. If I keep going down this road I WILL sabotage my relationship, I have no doubt. It’s all on me to reverse this destructive train of thoughts.

I hate the mind games I’m playing with myself, but obviously am not in control of them. I try to be as positive as possible, and tell myself that all it takes is for me to try a little harder, and I’m convinced that things will improve if I just keep trying. But now look at where I’ve gotten by trying – back to square one. All I can do is keep picking up and going at it again. And again. And again. For as long as it takes. But damn, this is exhausting.